The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I just don't know what to do anymore. My ex after years of "hoping I would get my shit together" and finally doing it is now taking all rights to my kids from me and filing abandonment NOW that I am clean sober and getting into a career and got my shit togther like he had said he wanted. he could have done this oh lets say 2 or 3 years ago ya know when i was still drinking but no he does it now that CPS has forced me back into the kids lives so that my 2 times week calls are nill and no hope of face to face supervised visits even if I could afford to MOVE all the friggin way back to my "home State" or afford monthly train tickets in excess of 1000 a month (cuz yeah I'm independantly wealthy HA HA!) whats worse is CPS won't give me the info to the places They want me to go to to prove my soberiety or mental health but won't approve any place I go to to FINALLY GET THE FUCKING SHIT DONE! so I am stuck here wondering if Rob just wants me to take a shotty to my head so he can really get what he thinks he deserves.

I've always said and done things I could nver explian though now i have the explination. I could never understand why at 13 I started to say my boyfriend died in front of me in a crash I had no such boyfriend to even be able to say that and have it be true but I have now figured out why. You see my brother had a friend that I thought I was just crushing very hard on so left it alone though I KNEW we would end up together though with no way of saying again why we would just that he was MINE. So why would I say he is dead well I had had a precog dream watchng him get thrown from his car and killed before we ever got to the point I could do anything about my feelings even though soul deep he was in fact MINE. He did die in a crash right before I turned 18 and was to tell him about everything about how I felt. so what can be taken from this I had a mate saw him die in a dream so therefore kept my distance because I knew it was an inevitablity and new it would kill me and in a way it did I lost myself to my depression started drinking and being a slut to end the pain Anything just to forget I had a mate and lost him before I could do anything about it though I know now the dream was a warning it could have turned out different but instead the trauma made me bury it never really seeing I had the chance to change it because i had let everyone convince me my dreams weren't real that my "daydreams" were fantasy made from an overactive imagination not what it really was, channeling the emotions and beings around me and what it was they were telling me, my empathic nature in overdrive therefore setting off a ton of precog that was in no way ever understood................... till now. I am getting married though not to my true mate as he is dead no this one is a very close match to the heart that was in my dearest Jesse as he is sweet caring and the opposite of me which is what I needed to help keep me in balance and finally wake up and oddly enough Jesse helped me find him to have that completeness I was looking for since that day I was told he was taken from me just like in that dream.

As time has dragged on and I have started the process of discovery I keep wondering though I have figured out how they work together i still want to know why. why would one ever be gifted with soooooo much. to see energy to feel it to hear it. I have dreams that are linked to precog and even get them during the day if I relax myself enough and play with water. I can "channel". I can either make plants grow or die. I can hear them and see their hidden faces. I can understand almost any animal and them me. I can smell sickness and taste it. I can move energy but not telekinetic, could be telepathic if the being is also able. I can feel anothers emotions as they are mine. And I can "speak" to anyones guides higher self and angels. For a long time I wondered for what end. Now I can say I get it and what they are for. To channel those in need then with any of the above mentioned gifts provide them releif of what ever it is that ails them. be it physical illness mental illness or spirtual conflict/warfare and ya know what, it is my fight no one elses. and I think I'm starting to like it that way :)

oye something is off. Some may beleive in this and that is having "guides" or beings that help you along this thing called life. Well I don't like how they give me the feeling that something is very wrong concering a partner. they always hint he is cheating i don't have proof just weird coincedences like his history on the computer isn't where it should be knowing what was going on when I would come out either waking up or coming home and him on the computer, his activities are poof, gone, not listed in history. The sites I know for a fact he goes to no longer show up and they (my guides) would not stop until I went to look up an old link in the history which I did find but not until I scrolled the whole damn list of 2 months worth of history acknowledged something was indeed wrong with how it SHOULD appear and noticed his activities are not in fact on there anymore. Yes I use the history tab ALOT because I am admittedly horrible at remembering names of sites and articles I have read and need togloss over again for someone or remind myself of the facts not made up false memory. But it makes me wonder, because to be honest I do feel as if I know when he is being honest or lying and it always seems like every 5 months we have the same issue with him thinking he can hide something from me, me calling him on it almost immediately only using my gifts of intuition gut instinct and my guides making me see it for myself by either A making me feel as if I need to look in history for something to better understand them or B Making me hen peck him till he comes clean by way of passive aggressive questioning using what if scenarios. Both of which piss me off and if not for my promise I truely think I would take gasoline and matches to many of the so called relationships I have formed here based on almost 5 years of bold faced lies, deception, mistreatment, and judgement that I AM A BAD PERSON though not a singe blessed one of them has EVER come over to find and see the TRUE me not the one they made up to help them sleep at night and feel better about how they treat me. Sigh. I don't think they will figure it out either until I am standing over the ruble that was their lives because they couldn't see the ruble they were making of mine till I had to be a wild fire razing everything they ever cared about to the ground, walk over the burnt ashes of their lives with tears in my eyes hoping the ones that hit the ground are enough to quench the dryness of their soul, to propagate new seeds and life, realising that all that glitters is gold and that Everything is glittering to behold.